Did you know that if this pregnancy would've been healthy and meant to be, I'd be almost 17 weeks right now? We could be finding out the sex of the baby in just a few weeks. That is so surreal to me. It was also 2 years ago this month that Stu and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby. We named her "Hope" after the Lord let me see her in a dream. I'm not usually into that sort of thing, but I can promise you He gave me a gift and a tremendous amount of peace when He let me see her that night.
We lost Hope at 10 weeks in an unexplained miscarriage. She just never grew the way she was supposed to. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. Unless you've heard your doctor say the words, "I'm sorry, this pregnancy is going to end in a miscarriage," you will never quite know how part of your heart dies. The second you see the word "pregnant" on that little white stick you have a connection, plans, hopes, dreams. You can see your husband as Daddy playing baseball with your little boy or dancing with your little girl. You can feel the flush of excitement knowing that inside your very own body the miracle of life is forming and growing. In that moment, you know your life will never be the same and that an amazing journey is beginning.
In true "me" timing, we lost Hope the week before Mother's Day 2008. I cannot tell you how brutal it was seeing commercial after commercial of beautiful (and skinny! I hated them for that, too!!) mothers with their adoring children and husbands showering them with love and blah, blah, blah! I'm tellin' you, I think God wants me to write a book...you could not plan the timing of my life disasters any better! My first Sunday back to church was Mother's Day itself. BAD IDEA!!! I should have called in sick!!! Now, I know it's tough to know what to say to someone in this situation. But that day I wanted everyone to just keep their traps shut. If I'd have heard "God is in control," "His plan is perfect," or "Just keep your head up, you can always have more children," one more time there would've been bloody noses in the church house!! I know they meant well and had no idea what else to say but WOW! Each time someone said those things, I felt diminished. I felt like Hope, who she was, who she could've been, was relegated to an item to be discarded. I felt like I was supposed to forget her and pretend that everything was OK because it made everyone less uncomfortable when I wasn't being torn apart inside. That is one of the loneliest places you can be.
As time passed, I came to grips with things. I never fully healed and I don't think I ever fully grieved the loss of my first baby. We lost Hope in May and found out we were pregnant with Emma in July. So there were new places for my mind to go, happier places. I still think about her though. Her due date was on Thanksgiving Day, so I will always remember her then:)
Still not sure how to characterize this loss...the pregnancy that tried to kill me??? Ugh. It's all too confusing. Even after all that I've read: WHAT THE HECK IS A MOLAR PREGNANCY?!?!? And HOW...?!?!?!?!?? UUUGGGGHHH!!! I will never understand.
Well, aren't you glad you checked in on me tonight?!? This is what happens when Stu has back-to-back out of town basketball playoff games, Emma goes to sleep early and I'm left to my own devices!! Wow.
I totally understand if all my "followers" want to block me now:) No worries, it was only a matter of time:)
On a serious note, I would appreciate your prayers tomorrow as I go in to get the passport for my treatments. I don't think it's supposed to be too big a thing, but it'd help to know you guys were lifting me and Stu up.
Have a great night and I hope to see you IBCer's tomorrow night, if all goes well!
Ben and I lost a baby that stopped growing @ 12.5 weeks between Jack and Sam. We had no idea until it was revealed at a routine sonogram, and on top of that, EVERY female human in our circle and in our families had a baby in their tummy. Oh, so very hard. (And about 2 months after that loss, our janitor stopped me and said, "Mrs. Daily, when you gonna start showing?" UG!!)
ReplyDeleteLike you, I also had a dream. Not about our lost baby (which I know in my soul was a baby boy) but about our Sammy. I was so heartbroken, and that dream lifted my heart like you can't even imagine. When Sam was 4 months old, I found out Sophy was on the way. It was shortly after that, I miscarried what would've been Sophy's twin. It was Easter Sunday (tragedy knows no holiday), and I bled and cramped and things not to mention....and wept for an entire night because I thought it had happened again, only to go to the doctor the next day to see my Sophy still there. :-) Yep, memories.
Wow, Kelly, I had no idea. It's amazing what we can make it through. I bet losing one twin and getting to keep Sophy was an interesting mix of emotional upheaval, too. I'm so glad things worked out, from what I've heard about your girl the world WOULD NOT be the same without her:):):)
ReplyDeleteFor all of us that have lost our mothers and/or never had the privilege of having children, Mother's Day is a truly crappy time. That's one Sunday that I "call in sick" because it's just too painful a reminder. When my mother died and my heart was breaking, people said all kinds of things to "make me feel better," but most of them should have said nothing at all. The only comment that someone made that didn't wind up making me angry or frustrated was when a dear friend said, "My heart is breaking for you." She got it and now I know what to say when others are hurting.
ReplyDeleteI remember having similar feelings after my Dad died. If one more person told me he was in a "better place" I was gonna slap them. I know they just wanted to put me at ease but seriously....I didn't want him in a "better place" I wanted him HERE!! I think in a time of grief people should just SHUT UP! I just had to remind myself that these people mean well, they just don't know what else to say.
ReplyDeleteBut like Sheila, I think that only people have been there have any idea what to say. Recently I had a friend whose Mom died, and All I could think to tell her was basically that I was grieving for her. I truly carried her pain with me for days.
I haven't been in your shoes, but I do feel ya on this topic!
Jess
Love your transparency Lauren!
ReplyDeleteI will "follow" your journey no matter what comes out! Love you!!
(Did you ever read my post about you a month ago? The Lord has used and is continuing to use you. Be encouraged! And know you are loved!)